Hibernation

I know it's Spring and this is the time when the animals are coming out of hibernation but I feel like the last two weeks I have been hibernating - hence the lack of blog posts and social media sharing.

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I have been pulling inward which is not like my usual outgoing personality. I have been focused on nothing and thinking about everything. I've gone to bed early and slept in (thanks to my mom for keeping Aiden during his Spring Break). I've stayed up too late watching tv and avoided exercise. I've had mental arguments with myself. I've had an open conversation with God about so many things that are hurting me. I've focused on spending time with my family and not documenting, just enjoying it.

Here's what you need to know if you are feeling confused about my seemingly sudden hibernation, five years ago what I knew to be normal fell ripped apart. I come from your basic family of 4 - a dad who served as a youth minister until I was an adult then transitioned into a lead minister and the spiritual leader of our house, a mom who is Betty Crocker and Martha Stewart rolled into one amazing woman of God and a younger brother to pick on love. Our life was pretty good, I mean there were hard times but they don't outnumber the good times. If the church doors were open you would usually find us there and we were happy to be there. As we were preparing for Easter and Aiden's first birthday my dad shared with my brother and I that he would be leaving the church and taking a new job with the state and that him and my mom would be separating - he was leaving us and the church. I would love to tell you more about this but to be honest that's my dad's story to tell not mine but I can tell you that I was angry and disappointed. There were so many lies and hurtful things that were said and so many times I just knew my dad would have a light bulb moment, I even told him he was "giving the devil a foothold," but it never came. As we helped him pack up his office I was crushed that all the photo albums of youth events over the years made it into his trash pile - that was my childhood, and I felt like he threw it away; those albums never made it to the trash. The choices my dad made eventually led to my parents divorce. The dad that I once knew was no longer there and I am still mourning him. For the first time I found out who I was in God and that is the silver lining but I still miss MY dad - the one I grew up with and the one who walked me down the aisle, that guy is gone. So I struggle during this time of the year because it's been five years and there hasn't been a light bulb moment. I struggle when he doesn't come to birthday parties or return my text messages. I struggle when I am at events and people who have known me my entire life ask about "my parents" or ask "how's your dad?" or avoid me, because divorce in the Christian church is contagious you know. So this hibernation for me has been about mourning and moving on...again, because I much as I think I have moved on I still struggle as times.

Here's what I've learned during this hibernation:

1. Who I am in God is so much more important than any name I have or person I am without him. He made me who I am today not a person, thru him I am able to share this story.

2. Shopping really is my favorite choice of therapy and thank goodness Jesse had been getting some overtime because Target is loving me the last 2 weeks, not to mention Old Navy.

3. I am ever grateful for my father-in-law who will buy me Chinese food and just listen to me vent about life and work and let me watch the Evening News with Scott Pelley with him. I am grateful for the qualities that Jesse learned from him about being a great dad. *The other daughter-in-law is due to have a baby on his birthday so I am trying to earn some brownie points here ;)

4. Hibernation is good for my soul sometimes but I don't have to shut out my whole world to do it.

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Saying Goodbye

You would think that I would be good at goodbyes - I moved almost every year and half until my senior year of high school. But I am not good at them and 2 weeks ago I had to say goodbye to my Papaw.
       We returned from our Disney vacation on Sunday evening and collapsed into bed, around 4 am I was restless and dealing with a headache and I kept having a dream where papaw and I were talking. He wasn't doing good and I knew he was over cancer treatments, hospitals, and dialysis but I was hopping that he would make it to Christmas. My phone rang at 6 am and it was my mom, I listen to her tell me in between sobs that her "daddy" was gone. I felt numb, I remember asking Jesse to get me Advil and a washcloth and I laid in the bed until Aiden woke up around 7 am. Jesse and I decided to just reload the car and make a pit stop at Target for supplies. We figured we could be on the road by 10 (I later changed this to 12) Telling Aiden was heart breaking, he's 5 - he gets that papaw is gone to be with Jesus in Heaven but he doesn't understand the hurt that we are missing him. He's just so excited that we are getting two vacations and wants to make sure that Uncle Mikey will be there to take him on the tractor. He says things like, "Sissy, do you want to go to Mamaw's house? Mommy I said Mamaw's house because Papaw is gone."
    We reload and I walk over to the office to tell my boss and HR that I will be gone longer than planned. I walk into Heather's office (grateful that my best friend works with me) and cry on her shoulder. I leave a few things for my students workers and we pull off campus. After a Target run (we weren't going to make the 10 hour drive without a dvd player) and a Chick-fli-a lunch we are on the road by 12:45. I was pretty proud of us. We only stopped to fill up the car and eat and that one stop at a RedBox in a Kroger for Frozen (daddy and Aiden didn't pack any princess movies.) As we go over Monteagle I can hear Papaw's voice, "sis, watch the trucks, don't go to fast." We pull into the farm around 11 pm farm time, midnight FL time. My mom meets us in the driveway to snuggle a sweet baby and cry with me before we go in. We go in and say hello to everyone but Mamaw who has already gone to sleep. The kids get a little loud and I try to calm them down so they don't wake her or Papaw - who isn't there. When we wake up the next morning there is Mamaw, sweeping the kitchen like always. Felicity jabbers away with her and I grab a cup of coffee waiting on Papaw to join me and Felicity for coffee and an oatmeal cookie, as we look out at the farm. My aunts and uncles arrive to load up and make the arrangements and Jesse and I are left to man the house. We have to head to town to get Aiden clothes, since mom of the year here left his suitcase in Florida.
I spend most of the day walking around the house just looking at things, remembering him and the times we had, smelling things, warming up food, and wrangling babies.
  The two days that following are tough. There is a viewing - I always hate these but the funeral home did a wonderful portrait of Papaw and I feel like his blue eyes are telling me, "it's okay."  We laugh, cry, hug and remember. We finish on Thursday with a funeral and a graveside song and prayer. They sang old hymns but with a banjo which I picture Papaw just clapping along with and fear for a moment that Aiden may start dancing along. We spend one more day at the farm before we pack up to leave and I spending it soaking in the last bits of Papaw to take home with me. Mamaw allows be to pick a flannel shirt and I soak in their smell before I select one with green stripes.

I've picked that shirt up in the last week to smell it more times than I can count.
I've thought of the time we went to SeaWorld and Papaw's face as Shamu jumped out of the water.
I've remember him clapping along during karaoke at our rehearsal dinner. 
I've eaten sasauge and grape jelly biscuits becuase that's what he taught me.
I've smiled each time Aiden has said after someone sneezes, "scat there tom cat, your tails in the grave."
I've felt his hugs and his big hand hold mine.
I've cherished the memory of that one time he drove me and the kids around the farm and I helped him fish a calf out of the creek and how every time after that I dressed for farm work when we went on a ride and not in my good clothes.
When we pulled on campus Sunday afternoon I could see him riding a bike around the loop with a Papaw grin on his face.

I am not good at goodbyes because I want to hold on to the people that I love. I want to cling to them. I don't want to let go but God needs me to let go. Papaw needs me to love my family and be strong for them and help lead them. He needs me to help Aiden and Felicity remember him and they will.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Finish This - Week 6

I celebrate Valentine’s Day by... We don't like dealing with the Valentine's Day crowd so we stay in and go out a few days before. But there is usually a card, candy, a few gifts, and flowers involved.

My heart goes pitter-patter for... (besides my hubby and kiddos) Disney, almost anything at Target, Starbucks (Coconut Mocha Frap), houndstooth print, if it's cute and in green I am there!

When looking for romance, my best advice is... Disney Princes are just fairy tales. Don't be disappointed when your guys doesn't meet Disney's standard of romance.

My favorite love story (real or fiction) is...  Fiction: Harry and Ginny from Harry Potter Series, I am a sucker for Hallmark movies!  Real: My cousin Jessica and her husband Jay, our C.O.O Dr. Eubanks and his wife Margret (they way they look at one another brings me to tears.) 

The best relationship/love/dating advice I ever received was... "There are always more fish in the sea." Professor Bundy, loved by all at JUFL (FCC) This dating advice is probably what kept me from getting discouraged when I kept dating the wrong guy.

Linking up with Nicole, Lisa, Jen, and Becky for Finish This!

Date Nights

             This past summer when Jesse and I turned down an invitation to an event on our wedding anniversary we were told, "that happens every year, this event doesn't."  I was frustrated with this statement, because our anniversary is a celebration of our marriage which is very important and I never want to let something come in front of it. Jesse and I watched both of our parents get divorced after we were married and we see how important it is to celebrate every milestone and victory. Our anniversary is a day we set aside for just us. Life gets crazy sometimes and we don't always get date nights but we decided from Honeymoon out that first weekend in June was ours.

Young love at a UCF homegame

I love my children very much but Jesse is my best friend and I crave adult conversation with him. Conversations that don't involve medical bills, what groceries we need, what time this or that is, or to orchestrate the laundry schedule. Sometimes we are so mentally and physically exhausted we just get in bed and say goodnight.

Honeymoon Cruise

    This year one of our goals is to have more date night where we leave the kiddos and escape. So we are a month and 2 weeks into 2014 and are up to 2 dates! I love dating my husband he is a funny guy and he knows how to make me smile. He knows I crave shopping and I want him to react and not just say, "yea, that looks good."

My favorite place

I share all this to say, wives date your husbands (and not just because it's Valentine's week.) Celebrate your anniversary every year it doesn't have to be big, but remember that date (although I don't recommend showing your 4 year old your wedding video, he'll just tell you it's boring!) and that feeling. I always come back from date nights feeling refreshed and with a "we can do this" attitude. I want Aiden and Felicity to see that mommy and daddy need this time and that it is important. I want them learn that your marriage is important and is the key to building a healthy family.

Six months of nothing

It's been six months since this our little family was shown on this place. Where did those six months go...well I will tell you everywhere. Here is what we did in the last six months that you missed:

- Aiden turned 4 - holy monster trucks
- Jesse changed jobs
- I got a promotion and was asked to move on campus!
- We moved - into a 1100 sq foot apartment! (with 2 kids and way too much stuff)
-Felicity had an allergic reaction to her diapers. 
- We celebrated 7 years of marriage with a trip to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. 
- Family Reunion for Jesse's family in St. Pete
- I took the kids and visited the farm
- We deep cleaned and painted our rental home to get it ready for new renters - this was not how I wanted to spend my summer - away from my babies and cleaning up a mess I didn't make!
- Aiden was diagnosed with spastic bladder - yay - more medication and dr. appointments
- There were a trip to Disney with grandparents
- Aiden got tubes in his ears
- I had a birthday
-Aiden got hand, foot and mouth disease (don't Google that - it's gross) 
- Got Aiden enrolled in a new daycare
- Felicity turned 1 - Little Mermaid take over
- Felicity started going to daycare and weaned in the same month.
- Jesse had a birthday
- My students starting slowing returning to campus
- Aiden started Pre-K (at the elementary school I attended)
- Registration and Orientation week for me and first week of school for Aiden followed by end of year for Jesse
- Aiden got lice - sorry if your head is itching now.
- We got the rental house rented!!
- Aiden got sent home from school for being disruptive. 
- We developed a reward program for Aiden.
- We rewarded ourselves for our hard work over the summer with Disney annual passes
- We went of a family vacation to Disney and the boys were both sick
- I got what they had once we were home :( and Jesse had to go to Aiden's Parent Teacher Confrence
-  We went to Sea World with my side of the family for Halloween Spooktakular
- Felicity got an ear infection
- We went to 3 different fall festivals, the kids each had a party at school and we went trick or treating so we are all loaded up on sugar and loving life.

So as you can see I lost track of days and weeks. They all ran together and flew by before I realized what was happening. 

Our Little Princess

Felicity Lee made her debut on Friday, July 27 at 5:07 pm

Here is her birth story:

So I just knew she would come before my scheduled induction - we walked, mom did pressure points, I bounced on the Pilates ball, went to Target almost everyday (walking is important you know!) But no action from this little girl. So at the ungodly hour of 3am Jesse, mom and I arrived at the hospital. Being induced which was a huge fear for me. I worried that I would be in labor for days, not be able to do it naturally, or have to have a c-section. As soon as they had me back in the room I was regretting agreeing to the Friday induction and wishing I waited until Monday. But not in the plan. I was only a 2 when they checked me and Felicity still didn't have her head low enough! They even did an ultrasound to make sure her head was down. That was a little nerve wrecking. By 5 am the pitocin was pumping in. I spent the next few hours taking a nap, watching some tv, and planning a friends upcoming shower. At 9:30 am the doctor came in and broke my water and I went from a 2 to a 3....ugh this was dragging on - I was not happy. Around 10 am, Mom kicked me out of the bed ("when you are laying down gravity is working against you." If I had a dollar every time I heard that). She requested a birthing ball, and I bounced around the room (not really but it would've been fun!)I just sat on it, walked the whole 5 feet I could with the monitors hooked up.  I need to mention my AMAZING nurse Daphne at this point - she was great and kept bringing me popsicles. By 12 pm I was actually developing contractions!! I thought I would be holding her by 12 so I was not thrilled by this! By 3 pm I was a 5 almost 6...ugh I was ready to kill someone at this point. I was also entering into pitocin active labor which is like regular labor on crack!! Those contractions were a nightmare. I did a little begging for some drugs or anything to get this baby out! But my mom, Jesse, and Daphne said no you can do this and I was offered another popsicle. Daphne also said she would check me again at 4 pm and if I was an 8 we would start pushing. I could do that! I was the queen of Lamaze and if I didn't do the Lamaze during a contraction I was not a nice person so they would all yell at me to breath and I would catch it and on we would get through it. At 4 pm I was 8, so that meant pushing was right around the corner!!!  Daphne called the doctor and we started pushing (when I say we I mean me :) ) 2 big pushes got her head down (apparently my kids have bigger heads!) and the doctor arrived! 3 pushed and there was a little girl on my chest - with a head full of red hair! But I noticed when they put her on me she was a not the right color and they whisked her away so fast. Mom and Jesse were acting kinda weird but as planned mom stayed with me and Jesse headed over to the corner to watch her. Mom kept leaning down and whispering loving things in my ear and I kept looking at Jesse and wondering why there were so many nurses checking on Felicity. Then I heard her sweet cries and the mood in the room changed. When I was pushing at some point the umbilical cord got wrapped around her throat but my doctor was on top of it and she only needed about 20 seconds of oxygen to get her going. She was a pretty pink and in my arms in no time!

Meeting Big Brother

After a bath!

Sleeping Beauty

Ready to go home.

6 Years

6 years ago today, I put on a big white princess dress and my dad walked me down the aisle to marry my best friend. I can't believe Jesse and  I have been married for 6 years and together for almost 9! It's just crazy to think about. In 6 years we have been through graduating college, fighting over who does the laundry :), both of our parents divorces, me changing careers, moving, having a baby, buying our first house, medical procedures, commuting 2 hours a day, trying to get pregnant again, getting pregnant again. putting Aiden in daycare, deciding to move again. Not to mention just the adventures that come up in daily life. It's not always easy or pretty but when we stood in that church and said I do - no matter what, we meant it. I am so glad I get to spend my life with Jesse!