Hibernation

I know it's Spring and this is the time when the animals are coming out of hibernation but I feel like the last two weeks I have been hibernating - hence the lack of blog posts and social media sharing.

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I have been pulling inward which is not like my usual outgoing personality. I have been focused on nothing and thinking about everything. I've gone to bed early and slept in (thanks to my mom for keeping Aiden during his Spring Break). I've stayed up too late watching tv and avoided exercise. I've had mental arguments with myself. I've had an open conversation with God about so many things that are hurting me. I've focused on spending time with my family and not documenting, just enjoying it.

Here's what you need to know if you are feeling confused about my seemingly sudden hibernation, five years ago what I knew to be normal fell ripped apart. I come from your basic family of 4 - a dad who served as a youth minister until I was an adult then transitioned into a lead minister and the spiritual leader of our house, a mom who is Betty Crocker and Martha Stewart rolled into one amazing woman of God and a younger brother to pick on love. Our life was pretty good, I mean there were hard times but they don't outnumber the good times. If the church doors were open you would usually find us there and we were happy to be there. As we were preparing for Easter and Aiden's first birthday my dad shared with my brother and I that he would be leaving the church and taking a new job with the state and that him and my mom would be separating - he was leaving us and the church. I would love to tell you more about this but to be honest that's my dad's story to tell not mine but I can tell you that I was angry and disappointed. There were so many lies and hurtful things that were said and so many times I just knew my dad would have a light bulb moment, I even told him he was "giving the devil a foothold," but it never came. As we helped him pack up his office I was crushed that all the photo albums of youth events over the years made it into his trash pile - that was my childhood, and I felt like he threw it away; those albums never made it to the trash. The choices my dad made eventually led to my parents divorce. The dad that I once knew was no longer there and I am still mourning him. For the first time I found out who I was in God and that is the silver lining but I still miss MY dad - the one I grew up with and the one who walked me down the aisle, that guy is gone. So I struggle during this time of the year because it's been five years and there hasn't been a light bulb moment. I struggle when he doesn't come to birthday parties or return my text messages. I struggle when I am at events and people who have known me my entire life ask about "my parents" or ask "how's your dad?" or avoid me, because divorce in the Christian church is contagious you know. So this hibernation for me has been about mourning and moving on...again, because I much as I think I have moved on I still struggle as times.

Here's what I've learned during this hibernation:

1. Who I am in God is so much more important than any name I have or person I am without him. He made me who I am today not a person, thru him I am able to share this story.

2. Shopping really is my favorite choice of therapy and thank goodness Jesse had been getting some overtime because Target is loving me the last 2 weeks, not to mention Old Navy.

3. I am ever grateful for my father-in-law who will buy me Chinese food and just listen to me vent about life and work and let me watch the Evening News with Scott Pelley with him. I am grateful for the qualities that Jesse learned from him about being a great dad. *The other daughter-in-law is due to have a baby on his birthday so I am trying to earn some brownie points here ;)

4. Hibernation is good for my soul sometimes but I don't have to shut out my whole world to do it.

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