We returned from our Disney vacation on Sunday evening and collapsed into bed, around 4 am I was restless and dealing with a headache and I kept having a dream where papaw and I were talking. He wasn't doing good and I knew he was over cancer treatments, hospitals, and dialysis but I was hopping that he would make it to Christmas. My phone rang at 6 am and it was my mom, I listen to her tell me in between sobs that her "daddy" was gone. I felt numb, I remember asking Jesse to get me Advil and a washcloth and I laid in the bed until Aiden woke up around 7 am. Jesse and I decided to just reload the car and make a pit stop at Target for supplies. We figured we could be on the road by 10 (I later changed this to 12) Telling Aiden was heart breaking, he's 5 - he gets that papaw is gone to be with Jesus in Heaven but he doesn't understand the hurt that we are missing him. He's just so excited that we are getting two vacations and wants to make sure that Uncle Mikey will be there to take him on the tractor. He says things like, "Sissy, do you want to go to Mamaw's house? Mommy I said Mamaw's house because Papaw is gone."
We reload and I walk over to the office to tell my boss and HR that I will be gone longer than planned. I walk into Heather's office (grateful that my best friend works with me) and cry on her shoulder. I leave a few things for my students workers and we pull off campus. After a Target run (we weren't going to make the 10 hour drive without a dvd player) and a Chick-fli-a lunch we are on the road by 12:45. I was pretty proud of us. We only stopped to fill up the car and eat and that one stop at a RedBox in a Kroger for Frozen (daddy and Aiden didn't pack any princess movies.) As we go over Monteagle I can hear Papaw's voice, "sis, watch the trucks, don't go to fast." We pull into the farm around 11 pm farm time, midnight FL time. My mom meets us in the driveway to snuggle a sweet baby and cry with me before we go in. We go in and say hello to everyone but Mamaw who has already gone to sleep. The kids get a little loud and I try to calm them down so they don't wake her or Papaw - who isn't there. When we wake up the next morning there is Mamaw, sweeping the kitchen like always. Felicity jabbers away with her and I grab a cup of coffee waiting on Papaw to join me and Felicity for coffee and an oatmeal cookie, as we look out at the farm. My aunts and uncles arrive to load up and make the arrangements and Jesse and I are left to man the house. We have to head to town to get Aiden clothes, since mom of the year here left his suitcase in Florida.
I spend most of the day walking around the house just looking at things, remembering him and the times we had, smelling things, warming up food, and wrangling babies.
The two days that following are tough. There is a viewing - I always hate these but the funeral home did a wonderful portrait of Papaw and I feel like his blue eyes are telling me, "it's okay." We laugh, cry, hug and remember. We finish on Thursday with a funeral and a graveside song and prayer. They sang old hymns but with a banjo which I picture Papaw just clapping along with and fear for a moment that Aiden may start dancing along. We spend one more day at the farm before we pack up to leave and I spending it soaking in the last bits of Papaw to take home with me. Mamaw allows be to pick a flannel shirt and I soak in their smell before I select one with green stripes.
I've picked that shirt up in the last week to smell it more times than I can count.
I've thought of the time we went to SeaWorld and Papaw's face as Shamu jumped out of the water.
I've remember him clapping along during karaoke at our rehearsal dinner.
I've eaten sasauge and grape jelly biscuits becuase that's what he taught me.
I've smiled each time Aiden has said after someone sneezes, "scat there tom cat, your tails in the grave."
I've felt his hugs and his big hand hold mine.
I've cherished the memory of that one time he drove me and the kids around the farm and I helped him fish a calf out of the creek and how every time after that I dressed for farm work when we went on a ride and not in my good clothes.
When we pulled on campus Sunday afternoon I could see him riding a bike around the loop with a Papaw grin on his face.
I am not good at goodbyes because I want to hold on to the people that I love. I want to cling to them. I don't want to let go but God needs me to let go. Papaw needs me to love my family and be strong for them and help lead them. He needs me to help Aiden and Felicity remember him and they will.
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
Whitney, such beautiful memories and so beautifully written. My sincere condolences
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